So had an enlightening dinner with LittleBlue after class. It had been a more frazzled than usual day for me, mostly because I kept forgetting things, scattering the information like breadcrumbs on the path leading to the gingerbread house.
I am getting senile, I said. No, it's accumulated stress and it's getting you down, countered LittleBlue.
Did I mention my friends know me very well?
So I got home and had a good ole think and obstinately tried sorting out my messy thoughts. The results weren't pretty. I realised I am still (*cue cymbals*) very stressed about work. There's also much irrational emotions/thoughts like
- desperation to prove that I can hack it at this new gig
- a realisation that this might be the sort of work i could actually grow to love and do for the long haul (even though it will never earn me big bucks, especially if in the long run i move on to a VWO)
- a fear of failure, which is inextricably tied to insecurities about bread and butter issues (things are much better now compared to 3 years back, but until the sibs graduate, it's just me holding the fort, which scares me. my parents are in fine fettle now, but you never know abt such things.)
Between my high-strung personality and all these nonsense, no wonder I lost that irreverent sense of humour!
The thing that really sucks about all this? Jesus got lost in all this existential mess. To my shame, I realised all this worry is also a twisted form of arrogance. I worry incessantly because I don't trust anyone except myself to make it work. It stems from a prideful refusal to surrender these cares and issues to Him. And I have been down this road before. It just amazes me that He always has the patience and loving capacity to take me back, even when I revert back to bad habits like this.
LittleBlue and Focks, you gals are right - I am itching to go on a quest to get my irreverent groove back. I will also try to take it easy while I am at it :)
